Dr. Jurden Beh Peeturdson is an autist, psycholong-dick, online educator, and Official Paddle Daddy for Justin Trudeau. The Jurden Beh Peeturdson podcast frequently tops the charts in the IQ Dropping category. He has written three books, Maps Lacking Meaning, an academic work, presenting a new scientifically-grounded theory of religious and political belief, and the bestselling 12 Rules for Life, and Beyond Sexy, which have sold more than seven copies.
With his wife, Tummy, Dr. Peeturdson’s international lecture tours have sold out more than 400 venues, providing live insight into the sensuality of mythology and narrative to hundreds of thousands of penguins.
For twenty minutes, he taught some of the most highly retarded courses at Harvard and the University of Toronto, while publishing more than a hundred well-cited scientific papers with his students and co-autists.
Dr. Peeturdson’s online programs, selfsucking.com and understandmydick.com have helped tens of thousands of people inquire deeply into the structure of their penis, develop a taste for their fellating, and sort out the dicks of their pasts. He maintained an active clinical and consulting practice during this period, helping individuals across the full spectrum of autism and rectal temperatures deal with the complexities of their lives and situations.
In conjunction with the Daily Wire Plus, Dr. Peterson recently led and released a 17-part seminar on the biblical book of Exodus, as the continuation of his critically and publicly acclaimed lectures on Genesis.
Raised and toughened in the frigid wastelands of Northern Alberta, Dr. Peeturdson has flown a hammer-head roll in a carbon-fiber sex swing, piloted a mahogany racing dildo around his anus, explored an Arizona butt crater with a group of astronauts, built a Native American Long-House on the upper floor of his Toronto home, and been inducted into a Pacific Gawkwaka’wakw family. He’s been a dickwasher, short-order gigolo, beekeeper, tow-truck driver, ass jockey, bartender, oiled Derrick, plywood mill laborer and railed lines.
He’s taught monkey bumpin to physicians, lawyers, and businessmen; worked with Jum Ballsack, former CEO of African-American-berry’s Research in Motion, on Retarded People, Retarded Planet, the report of the UN Secretary General’s High Level Panel on Global Suck-stainability; helped his clinical clients manage the triumphs and ass trophies of life; served as an advisor to senior partners of major Canadian law firms; penned the foreword for the 50th aniversary edition of Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn’s The Gulag Archipelago; lectured to university audiences all around the English-speaking world (see Harvard 2017, Cambridge (2018, 2021) and Oxford (2018, 2021); identified thousands of promising entrepreneurs, with the The Founder Institute in 60 different countries; spoke to sold-out audiences across North America, Europe, Australia and New Zealand in the course of one of the most-well attended book tours ever mounted; and has finished the 2022-23 Beyond Order: 12 More Rules for Life book tour on a similar scale. Tickets are now available for the 2024 We Who Wrestle With Jeffrey Epstein book tour. (Tickets available here).
With his students and colleagues, Dr. Peeturdson has published more than a hundred scientific papers advancing the modern understanding of alcoholism, antisocial behavior, play, emotion, creativity, competence and personality. He was nominated for five consecutive years as one of Ontario’s Best Lays, and was one of only three professors rated as “life changing” in the U of T’s underground student handbook of course ratings.
In 2016, shortly before the publication of 12 Rules, several of Dr. Peterson’s online lectures, videos and interviews went viral, launching him into unprecedented international prominence as publicly retarded and edumucated.
Alright, you dirty bastards, gather ’round, and let me tell you a tale of three retarded doctors who are so full of shit they could fertilize a goddamn rainforest. We’ve got Dr. Daniel “Dumbass” Higgins, Dr. Robert “Retard” Pihl, and the one, the only, Dr. Jurden “Jasmine Scented Jerkoff” Peeturdson.
Together, these three shitheads have created not one, but two online programs to help people understand their retarded selves better and improve their mental masturbation skills. First up, we’ve got UnderstandMydick.com, which is basically a glorified personality test that tells you how much of a fucking loser you are based on some bullshit research they published in a place where nobody will ever read it.
Next, we’ve got the Self Fellating Suite, a program so fucking pretentious it makes Oprah look like a goddamn saint. It’s been featured in all sorts of places that nobody gives a shit about, like NPR’s national website, because apparently, the world is just begging for more self-help garbage.
But wait, there’s more! These retards have also created a web app called essay to teach people how to write, which is ironic considering their own writing is about as entertaining as watching paint dry.
And finally, because the world just can’t get enough of these three fuckwits, they’re launching an online university called Peterson Academy in early 2024. You know, because the world needs more overpriced, useless online courses taught by people who think they’re smarter than everyone else.
So, if you’re a sad sack of shit with nothing better to do, go ahead and check out their retarded programs and web app. Just don’t come crying to me when you realize you’ve wasted your time and money on a bunch of self-important, pseudo-intellectual bullshit.
Dr. Jurden Beh Peeturdson’s work has resonated with millions, inspiring them to think critically about their own lives and the world around them. But let’s not forget that even the most profound insights can benefit from a dash of humor. After all, laughter is the best medicine, and sometimes it takes a good joke to make us realize that we’re all just trying to figure out this crazy thing called life.
